あなたと私の大事な日~その質~
7の漢数字について調べましたが
ついに漢数字も普段見かけない文字になってしまいました
ねね子、もう七回目の大事な日ですよ

私は今、あなたの居ない部屋で湿度計を眺めましたよ
この部屋の湿度は52%です
理想的な湿度と言えると思います
もしあなたがここに居たら、その事を心地良い物として気に入ってくれたでしょうか?
あなたが私のもとに来てくれた季節は随分と体に優しい季節なのですね
あなたを産んでくれたお母さん猫はちゃんと季節と相談してあなたを送り出してくれたのだと
そんな風な想像をします

今年のこの大事な日は私の反省の日となりました
去年の夏に新しい住まいに移り住み一月程たった頃だったでしょうか
私は会社を10日間休んであなたをこの家に迎えました
私はあなたが居てくれれば本当に幸せであれるので
あなたもそうであればいいな…という自分勝手な理由であなたをお引越しさせてしまった訳だけれど
あなたの生活にとって慣れ親しんだ場所と騒がしくても常に誰かがいる事
それから外から他の猫さんの匂いが強くしないこと
嫌いな事が多く無い事…その他私が見つけられなかった色々な理由
それら全てがあなたのストレスになってしまった事が本当に悔やまれてなりません

新しい家族もあなたとは上手に付き合えなくて…

あなたが私の腕の中でたまに唸りながら眠っている姿を見た時
私は正直色んな事が嫌になりました

自分の思い上がりも
あなたの気難しさや素直さも
新しい家族の猫という生き物に対する理解の無さも
環境の悪さも、仕事の忙しさも、実家の問題も…

何よりそういう物全てに繋がりのある自分という存在が
昔母が言ったとおり私が全ての良くない事の根源であるという意味が本当なのだと
強く自分を否定しました

ですが、私のそんな安っぽい自己否定などで
あなたのストレスが和らぐ訳ではないのです
私の自己憐憫にあなたを付き合せる訳には行かなかったので
私はあなたと離れる事を選びました

色んなことが怖くなってしまったあなたを実家に連れ帰り
粗相をしたあなたと一緒にお風呂に入り
綺麗に洗いあがったあなたが実家でゆったりと横になった時、私は決めました

あなたと私との間には時間や距離が出来て、思い立った時直ぐにあなたを抱きしめる事は出来なくなってしまうけれど
コレが、けしてあなたを孤独にする為ではないと
あなたに間違っても捨てられたなんて気持ちを感じさせないように
私は毎朝あなたに会いに通う事、ついでに大ババの様子も確認しましょう
家族に日曜日の夜は実家に泊まってあなたと眠る事を許して貰う事
あなたが自分の不快を訴えられる私でいる事

達成度は今のところ8割と言った具合ですがどうでしょうか?

今あなたは体の不調が続いていますね
それはやはり私が理由である所が多いのだろうと思います
あなたがごはんやオイシイを沢山欲しいというのをダメだと言える人が傍にいない事も
突き詰めれば私の責任です
根気強く改善して行くのでもう少し待ってやって欲しいと思います


前略愛しのねね子様

私はあなたの居ない家が寂しくて仕方ありません
あなたの柔らかさが私の孤独の殆どを埋めていてくれて居た事を痛感していますよ
一人で泣くことも増えました
それでも私はあなたのお母さん猫のように
季節と環境と相談しながらあなたが長く元気でいられるように努めないと、と自分に言います
なのであなたも新しい私たちのありかたに少しだけ慣れてくれると助かります

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